I don't do many journals. Well, I don't like share my personal life with the world. I find it as proof of weakness. And this is all point of that post. I wrote it to remember how I feel right now. Thats important.

I'm f***ing tired of trying to proof to everyone what I'm worth. Yesterday I had really bad training session. (I'm training kickboxing, muai thai and mixed martial arts.) And there was that new guy I started sparring with. For all those who doesn't know, sparring is light contact fight to improve technique. But he just felt like in midle of the street fight. He land very heavy punch on my left eye. But is not that whats point of that story. This is brutal sport and pain is a part of its rules. I knew that from the very beggin, I accept that and I can deal with that.

I train mainly with mens. They're bigger, heavier and much stronger than me. And I'm proud of myself if I can stand them thanks to my skills. Most of them respect me for what I'm doing and who I am. But there is always some idiot who thinks that I'm not supposed to be there, just because I'm a GIRL. Well, that's life. Unfortunatly I had no chance to train with women. So yesterday I had that kind of idiot. He offend me first thing saying he cannot hit me cause Im a girl. Well most of the guys Im training with got that issue. But we can get over it. This time was different, he punch so hard, he proof his point. Reduce me to tears, of pain and of anger. I think mainly of anger. I have to admitt, he did appologize, but I had impression, that he's not sorry at all. He's body language was saying: "is not my fault, she ask for lesson, I haven't done anything wrong, for f*** sake thats GIRL!"
I was angry. I was even more angry cause I wasn't aloud to be angry. Is as rediculous as it sounds. " Is nothing personal, accidents happens, get over it" Appologize accepted.
I felt humiliated. Still feel like sh**. I was working very hard to be who I am. And in a turn of a minute I give up. Something died in me. Passion. Enjoyment. Confidence. Will to fight. Don't know if I can do it.

On the other hand I know that I'm better that anyone of them will ever be. To be where I'm now, where I was yesterday, I had to beat myself first, before I fought anyone else. I had to beat my own weakness of being a girl. Because I'm just a girl. And a fighter in the same time. Fact that Im aware of that doesn't help at the moment.

I cry sometimes. And I'm really f***ing tired of fighting with never ending prejudice. "You will have that for your entire life in martial arts. Because you are a girl and because you winning". Thanks skarbie, you know I love you. But it doesn't really make me feel any better right know.

thank you all who support me and respect me. Respect back to you. Thank both my coaches: Steve Primrose and Dave Kari, for patience, I know I'm nasty piece of work. But you two are the best.

Today I feel like to give up. and I supposed to prepare to competition in 10 days time. Well, good luck aggie, you've got nothing else left. Still, that means you've got nothing to loose...



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